Hurt can leave you guarded or bitter. What the Bible says about guarding your heart, and how boundaries help without shutting people out.
When someone hurts you, it makes sense to protect yourself. You trust a little less. You share a little less. Over time, a heart can go hard without you noticing.
In an Instagram post, Thandie wrote: “please don’t let what hurt me change my heart.” That line will make sense to anyone who has been badly let down.
Keep your heart
“Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life.” (Proverbs 4:23, NKJV)
In the verses just before, the writer tells his son to keep wise words in his heart, because they bring life and health (Proverbs 4:20-22). So keeping your heart is about what you let in and what you hold on to.
Keeping your heart is different from closing it. A guarded heart still lets people in. It is careful about who, and how far.
A heart of stone, or a heart of flesh
Through Ezekiel, God promised his people a new heart and a new spirit. He said he would take away their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26).
A heart of stone does not feel much, and after you have been hurt that can seem safer. It also finds it hard to love. In Ezekiel, it is God who gives the new heart. You do not have to soften yourself by willpower alone.
God also cares about the wound itself. One psalm describes him healing people whose hearts are broken and bandaging their wounds (Psalm 147:3). A soft heart still feels the hurt, and brings it to God.
Watch for bitterness
Hebrews warns that a root of bitterness can spring up, cause trouble and defile many people (Hebrews 12:15). Bitterness can start small, as a story you replay about what someone did.
Paul tells the Ephesians to put away all bitterness and anger, and to be kind and forgiving, even as God in Christ forgave them (Ephesians 4:31-32). He also tells them not to sin when they are angry, and not to let the sun go down on their wrath (Ephesians 4:26).
Forgiving someone does not mean pretending it did not hurt. It also does not mean you have to let them straight back in. Read Forgiving someone who hurt you for more on the difference.
Boundaries help keep a heart soft
A boundary is a limit you set to keep yourself safe. Having limits can make it easier to stay open with people. Paul tells the Romans to live peaceably with all people, if it is possible, as much as depends on them (Romans 12:18). Those conditions admit that peace is sometimes out of your hands.
The NHS gives similar practical advice in its guidance on low self-esteem. If certain people tend to bring you down, it suggests spending less time with them, or telling them how their words or actions make you feel. It also says that, for the most part, saying no does not upset relationships (NHS).
For more, read Healthy boundaries as a Christian: is it OK to say no?. If you are not sure whether a relationship is safe, read Signs of an unhealthy relationship and where to get help.
How to keep your heart soft
- Tell God exactly what happened. Psalm 62 tells God’s people to pour out their hearts before him (Psalm 62:8).
- Grieve what you lost. Being hurt often means losing something, even if it is only trust.
- Notice when you start to harden. Do you assume the worst about new people? Do you avoid anything that might cost you something?
- Set a boundary where you need one. Then keep it, kindly.
- Keep a few people close. Pulling away from everyone can feel safe, and it can also leave you very alone.
- Forgive at your own pace. It may take many honest conversations with God.
- Remember the grace you have been given. Paul’s call to forgive comes with a reminder that God forgave us in Christ.
- Get help if the hurt is deep. Read What is emotional healing, and where do you start?
If you need help now
- If your life is at risk, or you do not feel you can keep yourself safe, call 999 or go to A&E (NHS).
- For urgent help with your mental health, call NHS 111 and choose the mental health option, or use 111 online.
- Call Samaritans free on 116 123, at any time of day or night.
- Text SHOUT to 85258 for free, confidential support by text, 24 hours a day (Shout).
For more honest conversations about healing, listen to Tea Time With Thandie.
Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
