Forgiving someone who hurt you: what forgiveness is and isn’t

Few commands in the Bible are harder than the call to forgive. When someone has hurt you badly, the word can sound like a demand to pretend nothing happened.

The Bible asks for something much more honest than pretending. It helps to be clear about what forgiveness involves, and what it does not.

Why Christians forgive

The starting point is what God has done.

“And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32, NKJV)

Christians forgive because they have been forgiven. Jesus taught his followers to pray, “And forgive us our debts, As we forgive our debtors” (Matthew 6:12, NKJV). On the cross, he prayed for the people killing him: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do” (Luke 23:34, NKJV).

When Peter asked if forgiving someone seven times was enough, Jesus answered, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:22, NKJV).

What forgiveness is

Forgiveness means letting go of your right to pay someone back. You hand the debt over to God.

“Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19, NKJV)

This verse takes justice seriously. Wrong things matter, and God will deal with them. Forgiveness trusts him to do that, so you no longer have to carry the job of punishing.

Forgiveness usually starts as a decision. Feelings often take longer to follow. You may need to make the same decision many times, especially when memories come back.

What forgiveness does not mean

Saying it was fine. Forgiveness names the wrong honestly. You cannot forgive something you pretend did not happen.

Forgetting. Memory does not switch off. Forgiving means choosing not to use the memory as a weapon.

Trusting straight away. Forgiveness can be given freely. Trust has to be rebuilt over time, through changed behaviour.

Reconciliation in every case. Reconciliation needs both people. It usually needs the person who did harm to admit it and change.

Staying somewhere unsafe. You can forgive someone and still keep your distance.

Paul’s words are wise here: “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men” (Romans 12:18, NKJV). Notice the two conditions, “If it is possible” and “as much as depends on you”. Peace takes two people. Sometimes it is not possible.

Joseph: forgiveness, then reconciliation

Joseph’s brothers sold him, and he was taken to Egypt as a slave. Years later, they came to Egypt to buy food. By then Joseph was governor of the land, and they did not recognise him (Genesis 42:6-8).

Joseph did not rush into reconciliation. When he first saw them, he “recognized them, but he acted as a stranger to them and spoke roughly to them” (Genesis 42:7, NKJV). Over the next chapters he tested them. His testing ended when Judah offered to stay as a slave in place of his youngest brother, Benjamin (Genesis 44:33). Only then did Joseph tell them who he was (Genesis 45:3).

Later, after their father had died, he told them:

“But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive.” (Genesis 50:20, NKJV)

Joseph named the harm clearly. He also saw God at work in it. His story shows that reconciliation can follow forgiveness when there has been real change.

How to start forgiving

1. Be honest with God about what happened. Tell him how much it hurt. The Psalms show that this is allowed.
2. Name what you are letting go of. Write down what was taken from you. Then tell God you are handing over your right to get even.
3. Pray for the person, if you can. Even a short prayer can soften something in you over time.
4. Decide what the relationship should look like now. Forgiving someone deals with revenge. How much contact you have with them is a separate question, and it needs wisdom.
5. Get support. A trusted friend or a counsellor can help you work through deep hurt.

Forgiving a deep hurt rarely happens in one moment. Be patient with yourself.

Protecting your heart

In one Instagram caption, Thandie wrote: “please don’t let what hurt me change my heart.” That is the hope behind forgiveness. You want to be free of bitterness without becoming naive.

Our post on how to keep a soft heart after hurt looks at this. What is emotional healing? explains why some wounds need time and care.

Hurt can also lead us to hide. Episode 6 of Tea Time With Thandie talks about the things we hide behind, and why covering a wound is different from healing it.

If you are not safe

If the person who hurt you is still a danger to you, forgiving them does not require you to stay close. Read signs of an unhealthy relationship for warning signs and helplines.

If you need help now: in an emergency, call 999. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is free and open 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247. For emotional support at any time, call Samaritans free on 116 123.

For more honest conversations about hurt and healing, listen to Tea Time With Thandie.