Christian dating: questions to ask before you commit

Dating as a Christian brings its own questions. You want to honour God. You want a relationship that lasts. You also want to avoid ignoring warning signs just because you like someone.

Good questions help. Some are for the other person and some are for you. Use them alongside prayer. They can help you see more clearly before you commit.

What the Bible gives us to work with

The Bible gives clear principles that apply to dating today.

“Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers.” (2 Corinthians 6:14, NKJV)

A yoke joined two animals so that they pulled in the same direction. Paul’s point is that close partnerships work best when both people share the same foundation. Marriage is the closest partnership of all.

“Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life.” (Proverbs 4:23, NKJV)

The Song of Solomon also gives a repeated warning: “Do not stir up nor awaken love Until it pleases” (Song of Solomon 2:7, NKJV). Feelings are strong. Wisdom slows down long enough to ask questions.

Questions about faith

1. How did you come to faith, and what does following Jesus look like for you day to day?
2. Are you part of a church? What part does it play in your life?
3. How do you pray and read the Bible? Would you want to do that together?
4. What do you think God is calling you to?

Listen for more than the right words. Look at the person’s life over time. Jesus said, “You will know them by their fruits” (Matthew 7:16, NKJV).

Questions about character

1. How do you handle anger and disagreement?
2. How do you treat people who can do nothing for you?
3. When did you last apologise, and what for?
4. What would your closest friends say about you?

Paul’s description of love makes a good checklist. Love “does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil” (1 Corinthians 13:5, NKJV).

Questions about the future

1. Do you want to get married? Roughly when?
2. How do you feel about having children?
3. How do you handle money, including saving, spending, giving and debt?
4. Where do you see yourself living, and what would you be willing to move for?

The prophet Amos asked, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3, NKJV). Agreeing on every detail is unlikely. Aim to agree on the big things that will shape your life together.

Questions about the past

1. What have you learned from past relationships?
2. Is there anything from your past that you are still healing from?
3. How are your relationships with your family?
4. Is there anything I should know before we go further?

These are tender questions. Ask them gently, and be ready to answer them yourself. Everyone carries something. What matters is whether a person is honest about it and willing to grow. Our post on what emotional healing is may help you both.

Questions to ask yourself

• Am I drawn to this person’s character, or mainly to how they make me feel?
• Do I feel more like myself around them, or less?
• Do the people who love me have concerns?
• Am I afraid of being single, and is that pushing me to commit?
• Have I prayed about this honestly, ready to hear no?

Comparison can also push people into relationships too quickly. If you see that in yourself, read how to stop comparing yourself.

Thandie’s conversations about dating

In March 2023, Thandie released a two-part conversation with a guest on her YouTube channel, called “Let’s talk: Life, God, Relationships / Dating”. You can find both parts on the watch page.

Warning signs to take seriously

Some things are more than quirks to work on together. If someone tries to control who you see, checks your phone, puts you down or makes you afraid, take it seriously. Those are signs of an unhealthy relationship. Read signs of an unhealthy relationship for more, including where to get help.

It is also worth thinking about how you handle limits early on. Does the other person respect it when you say no? Our post on healthy boundaries as a Christian looks at this.

If you need help now: the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is free and open 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247. In an emergency, call 999.

Take your time

There is no prize for rushing. A good relationship can cope with hard questions. If asking them feels impossible, that tells you something too.

For more honest conversations about faith and relationships, listen to Tea Time With Thandie.