Signs of an unhealthy relationship and where to get help

If you need help now: if you are in danger, call 999 and ask for the police. If you can’t speak, gov.uk advises listening to the operator’s questions and, if you can, answering by coughing or tapping the handset. On a mobile, if you are prompted, press 55 and your call will be put through to the police (gov.uk).

Every relationship has hard days. Couples argue and friends let each other down. That is different from a relationship where one person uses power and control over the other.

This post is for anyone who has a feeling that something is wrong, with a partner or a family member. It is also for friends who are worried about someone.

What the Bible says love looks like

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up” (1 Corinthians 13:4, NKJV)

“does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil” (1 Corinthians 13:5, NKJV)

Hold your relationship up against those words. If it regularly looks like the opposite, take that seriously.

God sees people who are hurting. “The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit” (Psalm 34:18, NKJV).

What domestic abuse is

Women’s Aid defines domestic abuse as “an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour” (Women’s Aid). It says this is most often by a partner or ex-partner, and can also be by a family member or carer.

Abuse is not always physical. Women’s Aid lists several forms, including emotional abuse, coercive control, financial abuse, sexual abuse, tech abuse, and harassment and stalking.

The NHS says that while there are different kinds of abuse, it is “always about having power and control over you” (NHS).

Warning signs

These signs are based on the NHS and Women’s Aid pages. Ask yourself whether a partner, or someone you live with, ever does any of these things.

Emotional abuse and control

• Puts you down or belittles you
• Blames you for the abuse or for arguments
• Cuts you off from family and friends
• Tells you what to wear, who to see or where to go
• Controls your money, or doesn’t give you enough for food and essentials
• Reads your messages, monitors your social media or tracks where you are
• Accuses you of flirting or having affairs
• Stops you going to work or college

Threats and intimidation

• Threatens to hurt or kill you, or threatens to kill themselves or the children
• Destroys things that belong to you
• Stands over you or invades your personal space
• Follows or harasses you

Physical and sexual abuse

• Slaps, hits, pushes, kicks or chokes you
• Throws things
• Pressures you into sex, or touches you in ways you don’t want

Coercive control

Coercive control can be hard to see from the inside. Women’s Aid describes it as controlling behaviour designed to make a person dependent by isolating them from support (Women’s Aid). Its examples include isolating you from friends and family, monitoring your time, repeatedly putting you down and controlling your finances. Women’s Aid says coercive control has been a criminal offence since 2015.

Refuge puts it plainly: if you change your behaviour because you are frightened of how your partner will react, you are being abused (Refuge).

Faith and abuse

Bible verses are sometimes twisted to keep people in harmful situations. Teaching about forgiveness or submission can be used to pressure someone to stay quiet. The same letter that talks about submission also tells husbands to “love your wives and do not be bitter toward them” (Colossians 3:19, NKJV).

Your safety matters to God. Forgiving someone does not mean staying in an unsafe situation. Read more in forgiving someone who hurt you. If the person hurting you is part of your church, you can still get help from the services below.

Where to get help

These numbers come from gov.uk and the NHS. The Refuge details were checked on Refuge’s own site.

• Emergency: call 999.
• National Domestic Abuse Helpline (England), run by Refuge: 0808 2000 247. Free, confidential and open 24 hours a day. Refuge also offers live chat on its website.
• Wales, Live Fear Free: 0808 80 10 100, 24 hours a day.
• Scotland, Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline: 0800 027 1234.
• Northern Ireland, Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline: 0808 802 1414.
• Men’s Advice Line, run by Respect, for male victims: 0808 801 0327.
• Galop, for LGBT+ people: 0800 999 5428.
• Respect Phoneline, if you are worried about your own behaviour: 0808 802 4040.

Women’s Aid also has a survivors’ forum and a directory of local services on its website.

If you are worried about a friend

Gov.uk says you can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for free, confidential advice if you are worried about someone you know. You can also listen without judging and keep in touch, so your friend knows you are there when they are ready.

Our post on what makes a good Christian friend looks at being the kind of friend who helps someone up.

Healing takes time

Leaving or changing an unhealthy relationship is often only the start. In 2023, Thandie made a YouTube series called The Importance of Emotional Healing, in which guests talked about subjects including toxic relationships. You can find it on the watch page.

For more on recovering, read what is emotional healing? and can Christians go to therapy?

Please use the helplines above if you need support. For anything else, you can get in touch through Work with me.